Drawn by my son Joshua French 2010
In the night I dreamed, I dreamed I was before a large room of people and this was the story I was telling. I had to get up immediately and put in
If only my heart had of worn shoes
remember being very young and not liking to wear shoes. Not sure why, maybe I felt free with out shoes, free to run and roam and feel the sand between my toes.
times it was grass, sometimes rocks, they would sting a little, but I could feel it, and there was just something about feeling the many textures beneath my feet. I wanted to feel. I did not want to cover them and not know where I was walking. I did not realize
what days, weeks, years of allowing myself to walk unprotected would eventually do to my feet. Today my feet are so calloused. Thick calloused, I wonder if it can ever be repaired. As I place my feet beneath soft, silky blankets, I feel my calloused feet tear
at the once smooth surfaces. I must do something about these calloused feet.
I don't even feel any more. I walk on sand, rocks, grass, it matters
not where I walk, I don't feel. I think I could walk on coals, It would matter not. Through the years many times I was told I should wear them shoes. I wonder sometimes if maybe I should have listened to that advise. But I don't know if it would have been
worth missing out on so many wonderful feelings beneath my feet or not.
Others look on and see how ugly that callous is. They can only see how
damaged my feet have become. That calloused look does not tell them how wonderful the feeling of sand between my toes was, only reminds of the sharp rocks and painful sticks and stones these feet have trod over. I'm not sure when I stoped feeling those things.
Gradually the callouses grew. Gradually I no longer knew if I was walking in rough terrain or on soft, silky sand. All I knew is I could walk as long as I needed to walk, as far as the circumstances required I walk. Oh how I would like the onlookers of my
feet to know how wonderful the cool clear waters felt and the white sand that felt like silk under my feet. But that white calloused look only represents the rough, sharp, rocks, the sticks, the rough terrain they have trod over.
Today I think our hearts should wear shoes. I never liked to cover my heart, I liked to keep it open. Open to all feelings, even when I knew I was taking a risk with my heart,
I still was stubborn and I kept it uncovered. Sometimes I felt the pain, I felt the sting of the rocks, like walking on coals sometimes. But I still preferred it uncovered. Now I wonder? Should I have covered my heart? Should my heart have worn shoes?
All these different feelings I wanted to be open to and feel, experience and welcome deep feelings even when they were questionable as to what kind of scares they
may leave. I ignored that for the feeling. Just wanted to feel. Now I think the damage is irreparable at times. Has the calloused grown too thick, do I feel where I walk? I have spots on my feet that I still feel. there are places that have not been as deeply
touched by the rocks and roughness of the terrain. But my heart, are there any places left untouched? Wonder if I can find a place there that will still desire to feel, stay uncovered? Is it safe? Or should my heart have shoes?
I must do some thing about my calloused heart. Like the soft blanket that was being torn, my heart can't even go new places. There the callouses show and will cause deteriation.
I have this thing you scrub your feet with. It is like a grater. Amazing how it scrapes and peels away the calloused skin. Watching it fall to the floor it amazes me
how deep the callous is. Some have fancy pedicures that takes this off and finds the soft untouched skin somewhere below there. Here today I have the scalpel out and I'm scraping away at my heart. There are tools for that. Proverbs, Psalms, and the list goes
on. Prayer seems to really scrap away tons of the calloused skin. Songs of praise takes layers away. The process is not as fancy as some, and some times it is tiring. Some times I think, I can just live with this calloused skin, it keeps me from feeling, I
can walk any where so why not leave it there? Then I see how ugly it is, so I scrap away. It must be peeled and scraped and I must find the soft uncaloused skin that is still some where beneath there. Some do not care for the process I must use. They do not
understand how ugly it has become. I must use what ever tools I can find. I must go through this process now why I still have some feeling left some where beneath this hard surface. If not It will become so thick I will never reach the skin that still feels.
You see, I think it can obtain a thickness that can never be peeled completely away. I fear my heart reaching this place. So I will keep scraping and peeling, using the tools I have been given. I was given the tools at a young age. Thanks to those who made
sure I had the tools and knew how to use them. Because of the deep calluses my feet have obtained, not only can I not feel the hot coals I may walk on, or the sharp rocks, neither can I feel the soft sand, the cold rivers water. The callous has taken away
all feeling from the bottom of my feet. My heart? This callous protects me, but to be protected from the hurt I also must forfeit the sand between my toes and the cool clear water that flows and is so refreshing.
Added this evening:
Is the answer really to have my heart wear shoes. No, I think the
answer is here within this post. The answer is to master the tools that I have been given. YES, THAT IS IT! Master the tools! I still want to feel the sand beneath my feet! I want to feel the cool water flowing under my feet! So I will use the tools and keep
my heart soft and ready for what ever comes my way. I will love like never before and be prepared to use my tools to keep the callous away.