~If only my heart had of worn shoes~

Just a dream~

Drawn by my son Joshua French 2010


In the night I dreamed, I dreamed I was before a large room of people and this was the story I was telling. I had to get up immediately and put in writing. 

If only my heart had of worn shoes

I remember being very young and not liking to wear shoes. Not sure why, maybe I felt free with out shoes, free to run and roam and feel the sand between my toes.
Some times it was grass, sometimes rocks, they would sting a little, but I could feel it, and there was just something about feeling the many textures beneath my feet. I wanted to feel. I did not want to cover them and not know where I was walking. I did not realize what days, weeks, years of allowing myself to walk unprotected would eventually do to my feet. Today my feet are so calloused. Thick calloused, I wonder if it can ever be repaired. As I place my feet beneath soft, silky blankets, I feel my calloused feet tear at the once smooth surfaces. I must do something about these calloused feet. 

I don't even feel any more. I walk on sand, rocks, grass, it matters not where I walk, I don't feel. I think I could walk on coals, It would matter not. Through the years many times I was told I should wear them shoes. I wonder sometimes if maybe I should have listened to that advise. But I don't know if it would have been worth missing out on so many wonderful feelings beneath my feet or not. 

Others look on and see how ugly that callous is. They can only see how damaged my feet have become. That calloused look does not tell them how wonderful the feeling of sand between my toes was, only reminds of the sharp rocks and painful sticks and stones these feet have trod over. I'm not sure when I stoped feeling those things. Gradually the callouses grew. Gradually I no longer knew if I was walking in rough terrain or on soft, silky sand. All I knew is I could walk as long as I needed to walk, as far as the circumstances required I walk. Oh how I would like the onlookers of my feet to know how wonderful the cool clear waters felt and the white sand that felt like silk under my feet. But that white calloused look only represents the rough, sharp, rocks, the sticks, the rough terrain they have trod over. 

Today I think our hearts should wear shoes. I never liked to cover my heart, I liked to keep it open. Open to all feelings, even when I knew I was taking a risk with my heart, I still was stubborn and I kept it uncovered. Sometimes I felt the pain, I felt the sting of the rocks, like walking on coals sometimes. But I still preferred it uncovered. Now I wonder? Should I have covered my heart? Should my heart have worn shoes? 

All these different feelings I wanted to be open to and feel, experience and welcome deep feelings even when they were questionable as to what kind of scares they may leave. I ignored that for the feeling. Just wanted to feel. Now I think the damage is irreparable at times. Has the calloused grown too thick, do I feel where I walk? I have spots on my feet that I still feel. there are places that have not been as deeply touched by the rocks and roughness of the terrain. But my heart, are there any places left untouched? Wonder if I can find a place there that will still desire to feel, stay uncovered? Is it safe? Or should my heart have shoes? 

I must do some thing about my calloused heart. Like the soft blanket that was being torn, my heart can't even go new places. There the callouses show and will cause deteriation. 
I have this thing you scrub your feet with. It is like a grater. Amazing how it scrapes and peels away the calloused skin. Watching it fall to the floor it amazes me how deep the callous is. Some have fancy pedicures that takes this off and finds the soft untouched skin somewhere below there. Here today I have the scalpel out and I'm scraping away at my heart. There are tools for that. Proverbs, Psalms, and the list goes on. Prayer seems to really scrap away tons of the calloused skin. Songs of praise takes layers away. The process is not as fancy as some, and some times it is tiring. Some times I think, I can just live with this calloused skin, it keeps me from feeling, I can walk any where so why not leave it there? Then I see how ugly it is, so I scrap away. It must be peeled and scraped and I must find the soft uncaloused skin that is still some where beneath there. Some do not care for the process I must use. They do not understand how ugly it has become. I must use what ever tools I can find. I must go through this process now why I still have some feeling left some where beneath this hard surface. If not It will become so thick I will never reach the skin that still feels. You see, I think it can obtain a thickness that can never be peeled completely away. I fear my heart reaching this place. So I will keep scraping and peeling, using the tools I have been given. I was given the tools at a young age. Thanks to those who made sure I had the tools and knew how to use them. Because of the deep calluses my feet have obtained, not only can I not feel the hot coals I may walk on, or the sharp rocks, neither can I feel the soft sand, the cold rivers water. The callous has taken away all feeling from the bottom of my feet. My heart? This callous protects me, but to be protected from the hurt I also must forfeit the sand between my toes and the cool clear water that flows and is so refreshing. 

Added this evening:
 Is the answer really to have my heart wear shoes. No, I think the answer is here within this post. The answer is to master the tools that I have been given. YES, THAT IS IT! Master the tools! I still want to feel the sand beneath my feet! I want to feel the cool water flowing under my feet! So I will use the tools and keep my heart soft and ready for what ever comes my way. I will love like never before and be prepared to use my tools to keep the callous away. 

Monica French

Aunt Frances 25.10.2014 22:14

This is an excellent writing , Monica. So true and many can relate.

angelean dozier 24.10.2014 09:27

Loved it Monica, His Word..is the remedy for the rough calloused edges of our hearts and lives...His Spirit smooths all the unhealthy away allowing us to live !

Aunt Frances 24.10.2014 02:55

An excellent writing Monica!

Edith 18.03.2013 01:47

This is so true, makes me take a second look at myself thx!!!

Heather 29.01.2013 16:15

Enjoy the feelings, and when they get to hard to bear run to Jesus - He will give the strength needed, and/or protection too!
I'm so enjoying reading here! TY

Monica French 29.01.2013 16:58

You are right.....Strength, protection and oh so much more! Thank you for reading.

angelean dozier 23.01.2013 01:52

Its amazing how that we learn to walk for God,even during the rough barren times and thru desert places...and why he gives us a heart of flesh an not of stone !

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Latest comments

31.05 | 12:40

I absolutely LOVE you Monica!! So glad I found your blog. Can’t wait to catch up on what’s been going on. 💜 Hope to see you in TX in October. ~ Angie

16.02 | 04:07

Thanks for stopping by and sharing a laugh with us and maybe a few other 'moments' that I hope were encouraging!

10.01 | 23:29

I have heard of this page. Good things. I am glad I finally found it.

19.12 | 03:08

Your so funny!!! Miss you!!!